Today is the day for my bellybutton story, but first let me share where I am on day 8 of my recovery. I FEEL GOOD!! Great news, right? Yes…it is, but it also proves to make resting a little more challenging. The details are as follows: I am beginning to have spurts of feeling energetic, instead of a heavy fatigue of depletion constantly, I feel energized for several hours and then I need to take a nap….HA! The mental problem with this burst of energy is that….well….I still CAN’T do anything, (which makes me feel incredibly frustrated, which brings about “the blues” and so on…you get the idea). I am reminded that my body is still healing whenever I move too quickly or change positions…you know….I get those lovely sharp, stabbing pains near my incisions….SHEESH! As for my incisions, I have three, two are healing very nicely, in fact….they are really itchy, which I think is what is supposed to happen as they heal and dry out, there’s a lovely visual. The third incision is in my bellybutton and…well…it’s not looking so good (excuse me while I have a moment of hysterics!) I will get to my belly button story shortly…promise! The other weird thing is that I woke up last night in a sweat from intense uterine cramping….except…I DON’T HAVE A UTERUS….WTH is up with that?? Of course, I couldn’t fall back to sleep for several hours, as I took a temporary visit to Lisa-World and single-handedly convinced myself that the doctor left my uterus and took out my stomach, by mistake, which made complete rational sense to me at 3am…..BECAUSE….how else could anyone explain my lack of appetite other than the fact that the doctor REMOVED my stomach!!! As I said, it was a temporary visit to Lisa-World and I am back to reality, where I do not believe the doctor mistakenly removed my stomach. I would love, though, to understand why I am feeling so crampy in the exact spot where my precious uterus used to reside….heehee. In all seriousness, I imagine (and I am no doctor) that the cramping is coming from the muscles that are down there and possibly from things….shall we say…shifting. In any event, today is a good day! I felt enough energy to, not only, shower after Talia got on the bus (usually I go back to bed for a nap), but I also got dressed in real clothes….well kinda…I attempted to put on underwear, which completely irritated my lower incisions,so I opted for a pair of sweat shorts and a tank top…hey that counts as a step above pajamas!! This just in…..LISA IS COMMANDO and that gentleman is as NAKED as The Naked Mom will EVER get…ha! Sorry guys…or should I say….You’re Welcome…yes I think that is more appropraite….you’re welcome!! I also dried my hair and straightened it...yay me!
As for the dark cloud, it is not gone, but it alternates between three positions: lifted, hovering and all-encompassing, but it is better. It feels great and lifts my cloud to have the windows open and hear the birds chirping, while the flit about doing their business. It feels great to have small bursts of energy. When the dark cloud descends, I allow myself a good ‘ole cry and move on. Last night we were watching Minute To Win It and I sobbed, you know the kind where you are gasping for air….for this great group of 5 kids who won a half of a million dollars. I sobbed uncontrollably, of course, because….”you guys could so do that” (said to Ryleigh,,one of my FIVE kids, you see the similarity there right) and “I love you guys so much” and “I am so lucky to have the most wonderful kids in all the land.” I COMPLETELY understood Ryleigh’s look of FEAR and CONFUSION, as it was less than 24 hours ago that I had my melt down about them NOT DO ANYTHING FOR ME!! Needless to say this business of recovery is becoming quite a…..journey….a journey of physical, emotional, mental, spiritual challenges and growth. I’m growing…YAY ME!!
Now for the moment you have all been waiting for (said dripping with sarcasm)…the story of my bellybutton. This story begins a while back….35+ years back, give or take a few…hehe! When I was little I used to suck my thumb AND play with my bellybutton….yea, yea, I know a little weird, but it was so comforting! I did this….wait…should I confess how long I did this for?? I did it for a long time, I remember THUMB STUFF, that’s what it was called….THUMB STUFF… and it was ICKY... worse than icky, in fact, just thinking about it now, I can taste its pungent, metallic nastiness that was so awful I would ACTUALLY use soap on my tongue to try to get rid of its putred taste….to no avail, by the way! My mother decided I was too old to be sucking my thumb and would use THUMB STUFF tirelessly! I began to suck my thumb incognito, I would take a couple sucks in the backseat of the car, in the bathroom and when I went to bed at night…I was an addict!! My bellybutton, however, I could play with and for whatever reason it was not as horrifying to my mom, or perhaps, it was just not that noticeable to her. I played with my bellybutton so much that it became an outy….oh the horror!!! Today I actually think outies are adorable….they have character, but when I started to notice boys and my girlfriends were all getting boobs and waistlines, while I stood on the sidelines, waiting…..and waiting…..and waiting….(in fact, I’M STILL WAITING FOR MY BOOBS!) and waiting…I was waiting for boobs, waiting for a waistline and one day, upon inspection for boobs and a waistline and not finding either…my bellybutton became the biggest eyesore to me. I was horrified, stupified, mortified and every other kind of ‘fied’ that there is….ugh!! Not only did I NOT have boobs or any feminine shape, I now was horribly self-conscious about my PROTRUDING bellybutton….God, why have You forsaken me…kidding, but honestly, my bellybutton became an obsession, an UNHEALTHY obsession! You see, I couldn’t control when or if I would ever grow boobs, which I didn’t for all of you inquiring minds and I couldn’t control when my body would begin to take on a more feminine shape, BUT I had read (probably in TeenBeat…lol) that by taping a quarter to your bellybutton you could CHANGE an OUTY to an INNY….UREKA!!! Ahhhhhhhhh (the sky parted and the angels sang), after all, it WAS in TeenBeat….which was the Gospel of my pre-teenaged life! As you can imagine, I got straight to the business of taping quarters to my bellybutton and I stopped playing…COLD TURKEY! I will confess that I may have still been taking nightly hits of my thumb though, I think I stopped that when I was 12…yikes, did I just admit that…excuse me while I slink away in embarrassment!
Unfortunately, and probably NOT to YOUR surprise, but definitely to my HORROR…. quarter-taping your outy does NOT work. This part of my life is a blur, haha, I was betrayed by TeenBeat, I was ‘fied’ beyond consolation and I STILL HAD AN OUTY! But alas, I was persistent and I, at any chance I had, became diligent about my bellybutton! It was going in one way or another! I would fold it into my body and hold it for hours and hours and hours, I would fall asleep manipulatingmy bellybutton into the “in”position. I was bound and determined! And what do you know…IT WORKED!! I swear…I had achieved my goal and was now the proud owner of an INNY! I am not sure how long it took, maybe a year, but I developed such a love and admiration for my bellybutton…it was cute, or at least I thought so, and I could now parade around, with confidence, in half shirt and bikinis because my bellybutton ROCKED!! I have carried this adoration for my bellybutton for my entire life…we were a team….we conquered and overcame, my bellybutton and me! And then, I had my tubal ligation and some dumb-ass doctor messed up my poor, adorable, innocent bellybutton and I was depressed….truly…depressed!! I was 36 years old and fell into a mild depression over the cosmetic appearance of my bellybutton. Now in reality, which you are all learning that I do not always reside in, my bellybutton was still pretty cute. In all seriousness, how friggin’ cute can a bellybutton even be, it’s a stupid bellybutton for cryin’ out loud!! I was distraught though and it took me several weeks to pull myself up by the proverbial bootstraps and get on with things. When I returned to reality, I developed a more healthy, or at least I thought so, admiration for my bellybutton. It was still cute and I vowed to get over myself AND my bellybutton. Flash forward to May 18th, 2011, the day I had my surgery. Clearly, I have NOT gotten over my obsession with my bellybutton! It is a distorted, mangled mess and when that pesky dark cloud encompasses me, I cry , well that’s not true….I WAIL and crumble into a heap of a soggy-tear-stained-shell-of-myself, I write this with a grain of humorof course, but I will admit to struggling, presently, with the appearance of my sweet, adorable bellybutton….is it lost forever? I don’t know. I hope it is just going through some warped kind of healing process, so I have convinced myself to wait it out, but I will do so gingerly, delicately and cautiously. Oh please come back to me…. my cute little bellybutton!