Finally….my computer is back up and running. I don’t know what possessed me to switch providers during a time that I would come to depend on the computer, tv and phone…dumb move Lisa!!! In any case, it is done and I am happy and saving money, which really makes me happy.
I am happy to report on day 7 post-op that I feel pretty good. The “black-cloud-of-sadness” seems to have lifted, at least for now. So… things are good, I am well….that is, of course, if you don’t count my short burst of ‘freak-out-on-the- family’ in an insane, eyes popping out of my head episode that happened last night OR the long sobbing fest until I was sitting in a river of my own tears over the fact that my bellybutton, which pre-surgically was CUTE is now a DISTORTED, CROOKED MESS….WAAAA! Other than that…I am pretty darn good! I will get to those two stories in a minute, but first wanted to share how difficult it is, for me, to let people help me. I was thinking about this a lot, because I have nothing else to do.….I have watched EVERY show on my DVR, I have read 3 books, watched countless movies….so….now, I have moved onto self-reflection and introspection…. watch out world!! I would like to point out that I am doing this on my OWN, as of today, since Oprah has decided to END her show right smack in the middle of MY surgical recovery….the nerve!! In any case, I was trying to figure out why it is so difficult for me…. it isn’t pride. I don’t feel too proud to have someone help, but rather, it creates a tremendous sense of guilt in me. It makes me feel burdensome to people when someone else is doing MY chores and bringing me dinner for my family….not that I don’t NEED the help or the meals. By the way….the meals my friends have dropped off have been fantastic…thanks girls for setting me up to hear about my lack of creativity from my family when I take my kitchen back over…lol! I just feel bad….guilty….guilt so strong that I could literally jump out of my skin. I feel torn between giving an honest answer when someone asks what they can do and saying “nope, we are fine, everything is under control.” It is difficult to be down and even more difficult to ask, not admit I need it, but to ask for help. My guilt comes from knowing that the people helping have their own laundry to do, families to care for, carpools to drive, meals to fix and countless other things that fill their lives with busy-ness. Knowing this is what fills me with the dread of accepting help from others. However, in the name of personal growth I have decided to look at the flip side. I thought about the times that I, myself, have brought a friend in need a meal, or thrown in a load of laundry or taken a child for an afternoon, so mom could get a break and not one of those times did I remember feeling ‘burdened,’ I actually felt good. It is always very fulfilling for me to help someone I care about or a stranger, it never makes me feel burdened. I love to feel that I am doing good for someone in need, even if it is simply chatting with a friend over a cup of tea. So….I am going to ‘work’ through my feelings of dread and guilt and accept the help when it is offered to me and I am going to replace ( or at least try) those feelings with the feelings of gratitude and appreciation, not just for the meal or the chore being done (as I always feel so appreciative and thankful for that), but appreciation that I have good friends and a loving family. I will appreciate the innate good in people, which today, we don’t always get to see. After all, BUSY-NESS is what fills most of our days, busy-ness is often the very thing that most of us dread, but connecting with people through compassion and gratitude….I believe those are the things that fulfill our hearts and enrich our lives. These are the things we need to cherish and put on our priority list. I need to concentrate on how blessed I am to have friends and family, who care enough about me to want to help. I need to NOT focus on the guilt of ‘putting-them-out’….and focus on what that meal or chore or cup of tea signifies. I will focus on the interpersonal connection, rather than be consumed by the guilt… because if I don’t….I rob myself and the other person of the gift that they have given to me.
Well…now, that is enough self-growth for one day…don’t you agree? Onto my MELTDOWNS!! First, my freak-out-on-the- family’ in an insane, eyes popping out of my head episode! It was one of those days yesterday, nothing new for most moms or dads (whoever stays home), BUT for the person who doesn’t deal with the kids and their needs, it was one of those days. Let me set the stage….Dan (my husband) is stressed…it is garden season, which is our family’s summer income and with all of this rain…well…let’s just say planting is BEHIND schedule, the grass is 2 feet tall and it is the end of school (he is a HS teacher). In any case, this causes my husband STRESS….A LOT of stress. Add his wife being out of commission, a six-year-old who wants to do what she wants to do when she wants to do it…and…oh yea…let’s not forget the 2 VERY HORMONAL teenagers in the house…. and ladies and gentleman……you have a man whose head just might ACTUALLY blow up into a million teeny tiny pieces….FOR REAL! So Dan had his agenda…it was the first day of no rain, he could mow and plant and water and get everything in shape…phew…what a relief! But, then life happened (the busy-ness of life), life with kids. The girls’ ride home from track fell through and Olivia was having severe stomach aches. Dan’s new agenda….4:15 track pick-up, 7:30 doctor,feed and bathe the six-year-old and all plans have gone astray. Now let’s add the fact that I have been sitting, resting all day and cannot, I mean CANNOT, take my eyes off of the DUST-BUNNIES floating around me, nor can I re-route my obsessive thoughts about how the kitchen counters need to be thoroughly wiped down and…. oh yea, the floor could use a mopping and the laundry must be starting to pile up and when was the last time someone scrubbed the damn toilet…..sigh. Admittedly, with a drop of shame, I will confess that in reality, my house was really quite clean, the laundry wasn’t PILING up and the kids had just cleaned the bathrooms over the weekend, BUT I was no longer operating in reality, oh no…reality had gone bye-bye and I was in Lisa-World, not the pretty part of Lisa-World….the scary part of Lisa-World…you wouldn’t want to visit…TRUST ME!! There would be NO reasoning with me. And so…when the girls started to bicker and Dan started to antagonize everyone and the feelings inside of me: guilt for not being able to help, feeling like a burden and let’s not forget the obsessive-need-my-house-cleaned-the-way-I-like-it-RIGHT-NOW…when all of those feelings converged within me…well…it wasn’t pretty!! With eyes bulging, finger-pointing, all muscles on alert and tensed, and my lovely high-pitched-anger-scream...I TOOK CONTROL OF THE SITUATION….Talia (my six-year-old) recognized ‘the look’ and released an “UH OH” from her cute little mouth, as my tyranny began! If you are a mom, are married to a mom or have/ had a mom…you know what I am talking about!! It was short, it was loud, there was cursing and it was over. There were things said like...”how dare you and we are ONLY on day 7 and do you know how much I do for you” …you know what I am talikng about, it’s scary, but as I said it was quick and it was over. And then, I calmly returned to my position on the couch…. and enjoyed the wonderful hum of the vacuum cleaner, mops, toilet brushes, the melody/harmony of the dishwasher and washing machine and the sound of the car being started for the transport of children. All was well in Lisa-World again.
As for the bellybutton fiasco….I am tired and need to nap..sooo…I will leave it for tomorrow.